Indigestion

“You know, when I’m at home I’m absolutely fine. Completely. I don’t…I don’t care and I don’t even think about it. I just…I’m not embarrassed, I’m not…I’m not ashamed and I don’t want to be straight. Not now anyway. I’m happy, I’m happy being gay. It’s when I go outside, like, you know, just to Jaime’s or…or to Tesco’s or to work…I kind of…it’s hard to explain, but it…. [chuckles] it kind of feels like I’ve got indigestion. It actually feels just like indigestion. It just makes me angry…you know, that I feel like that, because…because it’s so fucking pathetic. You know, I’m a grown man and I look at you and I see you and you can do it and you’re amazing. I just don’t understand why I can’t.”

From the movie Weekend, with Tom Cullen, Chris New, and Jonathan Race.

That feeling of indigestion, for me, it is the gnawing feeling that I have to guard my actions, and my words. It is the tinge of sadness I get when I see a couple holding hands, a straight couple holding hands. It’s that feeling that you’ll just never “fit” into the world because it’s not meant for you. 99% of the time I am fine. I shove it down. Some people are better at this than I am. I look up to them. Some people are worse and I try to hold them up.

“You can do it and you’re amazing. I just don’t see why I can’t.”

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