Bangkok Love Story – 3/5 Would not fuck

Here are my tweets about Bangkok Love Story, for those of you who want to partake in this delightful love story that mixes HIV, crying, guns, hustling, geologic names of Thai people, and blood.

Cloud (left) and Stone

  1. Watching a Thai movie about an assassin that falls in love with his target, who is also a man.
  2. The Thai characters have been given names like Fog, Sand, Cloud, Stone, etc.
  3. It’s also a gritty crime drama with what I’m going to start calling Gais. Like Thais but with a Gay.
  4. He’s literally giving the assassin a sponge bath after fishing a bullet out of the guys back while soft piano music plays in the background.
  5. Such a considerate target to also clean the guys apartment while he was healing.
  6. 4 second cut to girlfriend talking to police. Good. I didn’t want to see that bitch anyhow. Then 10 sec of bad guys.
  7. I am impatiently waiting for panda bear make-out session.
  8. Aww their first strangling together!
  9. Oh fuck you. Sorry harmonica playing.
  10. The soft piano music is getting intense. And they’re staring at each other in the night.
  11. The piano music is back. “Just let me wash your back.”
  12. He’s washing him with a yarn roll? I feel like we’re getting close to handjob central here.
  13. Oh the assassin is the top
  14. No handjob but I did get nipple play and a sex scene. [Picture, right]Embedded image permalink
  15. Then Cloud put a gun to Stone’s head and kicked him out.
  16. Literal breakup line from target Stone, “Stop lying to yourself and listen to what’s in your heart.”
  17. Now the assassin Cloud is getting a beej from a rando.
  18. Or giving a beej to a rando? Not sure what’s going on. ALSO PLOT TWIST Cloud has HIV.
  19. Now I bet Stone has the HIV too.
  20. This story is getting dark. Ohhhh now Stone has taken up smoking to remember his gay lover.
  21. Sadder piano music.
  22. [A little unrelated, and also a lie:] Interesting factoid: every gay movie in Thailand is called Bangcock.
  23. They’re reuniting!! Wait no. They’re not. Wife is crying.
  24. Stone is stalking Cloud like a perv.
  25. Leaving sexy phone notes.
  26. The message seems to be “You been in my ass and now I want you in my heart”
  27. “All the time, like I want your dick.”
  28. Cloud looks about 12 years old in this scene.
  29. Stone stole Cloud’s teddy bear and his wife saw him snuggling with it and GUESS WHAT started crying.
  30. Oh my god now Cloud is crying. Also in Thai cloud is apparently pronounced “Meh” with a mix of a long A and an Eh. [I felt like everyone was horribly unsatisfied with everything. “Meh, meh. Meh! Meh…”]
  31. Now there is a romantic love song memory flashback or something.
  32. Stone held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger but there weren’t any bullets in it. Maybe he was just practicing.
  33. “Cloud if you love me put this ring on”
  34. Stone just saved Cloud’s brother from bullies.
  35. Apparently Stone knows Cloud and his fam has the HIV. [Side note: Stone says something to the effect of “It’s really hard to get HIV” and I’m pretty sure that condom use and sexual education is pretty low in Thailand, so please don’t listen to Stone’s expertise.]
  36. Lightning flashes and foreshadowing.
  37. “Don’t you know I miss you?!” WELL YEAH YOUVE BEEN BLOWING UP MY PHONE AND LIFE
  38. Now they’re fucking in the streets while his mom and brother watch?! WHAT
  39. Oh my god the wife is here too
  40. The wife has a gun
  41. Maybe the brother and mom have a gun too
  42. I’m sensing a body count climb in like four minutes.
  43. Apparently Cloud’s brother, Sand, has been hustling.
  44. Cloud’s mom hung herself. The wife did something? Fired a shot and drove off. Assassins killed the mom.
  45. But she was already dead? Wife is rewatching their wedding video and crying, just now somehow noticing her husband holding hands with a guyThe wife is breaking up with Stone.
  46. Cloud is going somewhere on a motorcycle. He assassinated the big bad guy. [I got confused here, it wasn’t the big bad guy; but like a mini-boss.]
  47. Cloud is on a killing rampage.
  48. Thai movies have very realistic blood spurting.
  49. Why did he dump out his bullets?! Wtf Cloud? You’re going to need them.
  50. I’m you’re still in the mansion. Maybe you should leave before you take a bath?
  51. Stone’s dead. Killed by the bad guy’s widowed wife.
  52. And Cloud is arrested while his brother cries at a bus stop.
  53. Stone isn’t dead? Oh. The [bad guy’s] wife was a bad shot and hit glass and [Stone] was blinded.
  54. But no big he just needs an eye transplant?
  55. 20 years later… Okay in Thailand how has HIV not killed Cloud?
  56. If the movie wanted to really fuck me over it’d kill them now.
  57. [Literally, one minute later] Yup. Cloud got assassinated.
  58. Also Stone’s eyes never got transplanted. So that a thing.
  59. Oh I guess in the future after Cloud’s death he got his eye transplant but he has the HIV sooooo

So there you have it.


One Reply to “Bangkok Love Story – 3/5 Would not fuck”

  1. HIV doesn’t kill people, and nowadays, even in Thailand, with modern medicine, HIV doesn’t shorten your lifespan. People can have it for 60 years, so long as they stay on their meds. So it’s very believable that someone could live for 20 years with HIV. Aside from that, really interesting way to review a movie. Loved the numbered list format. Going to try that someday.

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