Today I arrived in San Antonio for the first time in probably two decades. My main reason for picking SA was the River Walk and also it is close to Dallas. 

Originally I scheduled this trip To go with my “boyfriend” of five months but he broke up with me on the night before, 9 hours before departure, so I rescheduled when the hotel wouldn’t refund my reservation. (That’s the first of a couple of fuck yous.)

I rescheduled to April 15 but got impatient so Wednesday I moved my move to NOW. I shoved the dog in the car and jumped on the road. A mere five hours and one Buc-Ees later, here I am! Only to find that the hotel staff scheduled me for Saturday and not Friday. PISSED. I demanded (asked, really, cause I’m a bitch) for a refund and he suddenly made it work. Thanks Crockett Hotel. 

I threw my shit in the room, took a shower and dragged my anxiety prone dog down to the River Walk, ABSOLUTELY DEDICATED to the river barges. 

But like, don’t forget it, the Alamo is right across from the hotel. Simba took a shit there. I find it appropriate because that place is tiny and had a crush of people and was generally disappointing. People really should forget the Alamo. 

Don’t forget the Alamo they say, where a bunch of stubborn white dudes hated Mexicans more than they wanted to live and thus just threw their lives away. Good job white people. You’ve made feeling persecuted an art. 

After shitting on the Alamo, we hit the River Walk. It’s pretty, for sure. It is also lined with restaurants and chains. I made the circle in an hour. It hit me, wait this bridge looks familiar and YES I had completed the circle to my disappointment. Now to get on a boat, the elated highlight of my trip because I planned to lie there like a rich fucker with the spray on my face like a yachting shitlord. 


I much prefer Simba’s company to a boat, but I was thoroughly disheartened. Matthew at the Salt Grass on the RW was cute and my consolation as we fucked on a stolen barge piloted by an Italian. Jk. He just was cute and I was drunk after one Coronita Margarita. I fed bits of my chicken sandwich to Simba to reward him for not being a whiny asshole like me on the walk. 

After that I went back to the hotel and laid around depressed, watching Futurama, before going back to the RW. FUCK IT, I screamed, IM SOAKING UP RIVERBOAT VICARIOUSLY. 

This is when I realized Simba is better looking than me. People like him a lot more and I have to give props to the lovely couple and their child who cooed over Simba for a good five minutes and cheered me up. It really was a nice memory. 

Back to the hotel, I watched NatGeo’s Brain Games while trying to figure out how to trick Simba into being quiet when I leave for the bar. I’ll skip details but it involves me sprinting from the room, tucking and rolling to grab my sneakers, and slamming the door behind me. Sorry Simba. Can’t get drunk with you. That’s irre*HIC*sponsible. 

Day two edit:

The Gaybars in SA are, in my biased opinion, not as good as Dallas. I base this on a couple of things:

  1. The bars are huge and this look empty. Dallas has this problem too. 
  2. The drag show I watched at Pegasus had a small area for seating and I left wondering if they they ever have a packed house. 
  3. Essence was really fun but like Marty’s Live in Dallas, has way too much space. 
  4. I walked south to Bonham Exchange, somehow losing my credit card on the way or at a bar previously? Have you ever drunkenly tried calling a bank to cancel a card at 1 am. Please try to avoid it. 
  5. The Bonham Exchange is HUGE, and doesn’t have the square feel of Station4. Which makes it confusing? I kept humming the Luigi’s Mansion theme, which is actually normal for me, but appropriate. 

After that I went back to my motel and grabbed Simba and we headed to the hotel bar. There was a group there; I talked for a while, walked Simba and then went to the room where I ordered domino’s pizza. I ate the whole pizza and then passed out. 

I checked out early the next morning at 9 only to find HEY YOU OWE 90 DOLLARS. 

JESUS. Since I didn’t have a credit card and my debit was empty, they just had to bill me. 

Ive never been so happy to see Dallas. Simba agrees. 


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